5 ways of overcoming your fear

My mom and my grandfather both are published authors and poets. I too write short stories, novels and poems when I am at my creative best. Although none of my fictional work has been published, and that is because of my own fear of rejection, a incident that happened to me in past.

When I was in high school, I wrote a short fictional novel on subject was close to my heart and worked hard on it to send it off to one of New York's publishing house, who were specially looking for teen's point of view stories. I waited patiently for any reply and none came. I finally took a courage to write them and ask what happened to my entry? I never got my copy back but I got short answer saying that my story style was not they were looking for that time and I should try again future.

Now, I am not saying I was great or even good writer as a high school student and nor I claim to be now. But, I know I enjoy writing my thoughts and I have vivid imagination. That rejection was so tough on me, as I had worked hard on it and it was my favorite piece of writing. I took it personally and took it hard. I still write but for my eyes only. It took me long time to share with Zenguy and few close friends what I wrote. It has been very slow change.

Thing to remember that even Jane Austen's first version of Pride and Prejudice called "First impressions" was rejected by a publisher. If she would stopped trying and writing, world would have missed some of the best and now popular story. Then again, I am no Jane!

While, I may not still be ready to publish my novel anytime soon as I am not ready for another heart break and rejection. Since then, I have written and published white papers on technical subjects and have published a few magazine articles all non-fiction, mostly at and during my corporate gig and now I am writing here on my heart and mind blog for public's eyes, on subject that is close my heart and to help my readers. My readers comments are the best yardstick for me, I can measure and improve my work!

Do you have any fears that is stopping you from living your life or living your dream? While many of us have many types of fears but if we follow a few simple steps, we can learn to conquer the fear that is stopping us to live the best life that we can live, and we got only one.

Why we need to do the hard thing? Because...

1. Fear limits our opportunity, our living.
2. Fear creates other fears.
3. We do opposite things than we want because of fear
4. We lose freedom 
5. It is not real, but affects the real person

In most cases we fear things that are usually unknown to us, in my case, it was fear of known thing, repeating itself, a traumatic past experience. While we may have a fear of public speaking, losing loved ones, getting rejected or being laughed at, fear of being broke or not providing for kids and some fears actually motivates to do better, change our life style to improve our lives. Some fears may keep us alive from danger and it is good thing. But, fears that holds from being our best can not be good and we must change our brain thinking to slowly get over our fears that is/are holding us back by following a few simple steps.

1. First thing to do is imagine a good future, be it approval of publisher, acceptance by loved one, keeping your job, whatever your fear might be, close your eye and imagine (really imagine) yourself in happier future.
   
2. Another opposite approach is to practice crazy and silly asking game with some friend with only possible answer of "no". When you know in your heart that it is only a practice, it becomes fun exercise. If you liked this idea, can I ask you to come and fold my laundry please? :-)
3. Get more knowledge about the subject that you are afraid of, sometimes knowing more is enough to get rid of the fear. For example, if you are afraid of dogs, knowing more about dogs and being close to friendly one helps you stay calm near a dog.
4. Accept the inevitable. There are some things out of our hands and we have no control over it. For example, I am afraid of losing my loved ones, but there is nothing I can do to stop it. However, if I spend my happy moments with them and tell them I love them, will bring sweet memories of both of us, no matter who goes first. 
5. Change your fear to a motivation, challenge and help others with their fear, either by sharing and working on it with someone else helps. Make it about others, for example, I know of a mom who lost her teenage daughter to a drunk drivers, is spending time educating other teens about safe driving. Her loss of daughter, fear has became a inspirational cause for her and others.

Do you have fear that is stopping you from your dream, the best you can be? I have many still and I am working on one at the small steps, would you like to join me? Do you have any other tips or suggestions that may help others? I would love to hear from you.

Now go and conquer your fears or else ..:-) I might do another post for you!!

Zengirl

How to stay cool under tense situation

Life is very interesting, it keeps giving us some challenge, one after other to keep us occupy trying to resolve those challenges! Yesterday Zenguy got a ticket for using a cell phone while driving (actually sitting in traffic). A few years ago, California passed a law about using hand free cell phone only while driving. Zenguy generally uses his blue tooth, hand-free device to usually call anyone, if he needs to use a cell phone while driving. Yesterday, however he forgot his blue tooth at home, and he called home while sitting in traffic to see how is little P doing and see if he needs to come home early, as P has been sick with cold and cough and little fever for past few days. Before we could finish the talk, phone was cut off and he was getting a ticket from near by traffic police.

This was first ever cell phone use offense for Zenguy, and he explained the situation to  the traffic officer, nicely that he was sitting in traffic and not driving, he called because his infant child's health issue and his action was not putting in anyone nearby in jeopardy. No matter what he said and nicely he asked, the officer did not budge or let him go with only warning, he got full ticket with court date and all. I am appalled, angry and frustrated at the whole thing, once I found out. How come, it is not okay to use quick cell phone while sitting in traffic and it is okay to eat, drink coffee etc., put on make up, shave and much more things that I have seen some drivers do?

Sometimes, some traffic officers have quota to meet, and traffic violations are big income generator for the state government. It has been really long time since we got any ticket so this was a shocker, while this was only cell phone usage ticket issue, (and not a speeding, or missing a red light or stop sign, Zenguy is careful and law abiding driver) it can affect some insurance carrier's price and ticket fees can go up to $150-$200 with assortment of various fees. I am starting to think how in world, some one who is unemployed or poor can afford this price? This is outrageous, to get an ticket like this and first timer should be given a warning and not the actual ticket, while there are real dangerous or drunk drivers are out there on the road. It is not about the price but also principle as well.

But getting upset, will not change the outcome, so we had to think about the whole situation in calmer manner. I am not sure, but I guess we are going to have to state our case to a judge and see how it goes. Do you have suggestion or story to tell?


Here are few tips to follow, whenever you are pulled over; Even if think, you are NOT at the fault.

1. If you see a police car flashing behind your car, pull over to a safe area. If you think safe, lighted area is little further, motion the police before driving slowly further until you find safer place, but not too far.
2. Some experts suggest to turn off the car and get keys out, so the officer won't think you will start driving all of sudden.
3. Leave your hands on wheels, where it can be seen.
4. Stay in car, don't search of license and registration until you are asked to do so.
5. Answer only what you are asked and not more.
6. Do not beg but ask politely for a warning only, explain situation.
7. If the officer, still gives you ticket and you think it is unfair, do not blast off, take the ticket. You can fight it in court later, fighting with officer will make things worse.
8. Write on blog and ask others, learn from others.

This is serious stuff, so counter balance I am sharing a traffic funny story that I found on the web! Enjoy and Drive safely.

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?  Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. 

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. 

Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. 

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. 

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. 

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: 

Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car. 

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. 

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. 

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. 

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet that lying officer told you I was speeding, too. 

Source: Superlaugh.com

Zengirl

Stress Free Thanksgiving Party

In past, my holidays during thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings were hectic, stressful and hurried. I did not enjoy it as much as I should have. I was so busy trying to impress my friends and family to top previous year's recipes, new decorations, giving creative goodies bags to kids and adults all alike, just because I thought that what made happy holidays. How wrong I was.

Now our thanksgiving party has become smaller, more meaningful and lot more enjoyable. Here are a few changes that made it possible and maybe you can too.

1. Do not accept every invitation, be selective, who you invite or whose party to go to. If you get no invitation, plan one your self or enjoy alone time volunteering many thanksgiving food charity.
2. If you are hosting, plan a simple a menu or plan a potluck. Make sure, everyone gets different food, so you do not end up with 6 pumpkin pie and no main course.
3. Do simple decoration and entertainment plan. Simple pumpkin, or colorful foliage leaves can make a great center piece.
4. Have everyone say 2 things (at least) they are thankful for at the dinner table.
5. Buy and do prep work before the party, delegate some work to others.
6. Use nice plates and glass. If you must use paper plates, use biodegradable. It is better for environment.
7. Have a few people pitch in to clear up table, do the dishes while a few adults can entertain/play games with kids in other area. Do that for other host too. Work gets done faster and host also gets to enjoy without pile of dishes waiting for them.
8. If you must give goodies bag to every guest, make it home made, simple that will be used.
9. Everyone can do craft and take it go home. For example, everyone can paint a small wood frame and put thanksgiving picture (later) to display.
10. Make sure there is dedicated camera person, so you will have memories to share. Make sure camera person in a few pictures themselves too.
11. If you have extra food, share it with neighbours who are alone (or invite them), share it to homeless people or people who are unemployed, or at shelter.
12. Write your own reasons for being thankful in colorful construction paper, make a nice leaf cutout and put it all those leaves on rope and display through out Holiday season.
13. If you can not be with family or friends, enjoy with your spouse or kid(s), if you are single, you can still can celebrate. (See #1 above)
14. If someone has made your life helpful, please say thank you to them in person, handwriting letter, or call them to say thank you.
15. Be thankful and kind to others whom you do not know, but are helpful by working on thanksgiving day such as some gas station, police, hospital people, day labor folks, homeless people, air port employees etc.
16. Make a simple tradition to do with your family that is not materialistic but meaningful. Repeat every year with family without pressure to top it.
17. Do not try to impress your loved ones, they are already your friends and family. They will love you, even if your house is bit messy, your recipe is not better than last year.
18. Just relax and enjoy.

What are your stress free holiday party tips? How do you enjoy the thanksgiving?

Zengirl

Laidback Mornings: without an alarm

A few years ago, before we had kids, Zenguy and I both used to work in a corporate world. Our weekdays mornings were hectic and much hurried to say the least. Waking up to several alarm beeps (we needed it, as we kept hitting "snooze" button and going back to sleep) quick shower, toast/breakfast bars on the go, tea on go, while we listened to TV or radio traffic news and sitting on traffic jam till we reached office, finally breathing before getting to routine of day to day work issues.

Now, that I am at home, life is lot less hectic for all of us. We have not woken up to sound of alarm in years. We now wake up to sound of our children R (4.5 years) and P (8 months) in the mornings. It takes us a few minutes to be fully awake and than play with kids on bed for 10-15 minutes before getting up with them. Sometimes we wake up to sound of birds, that is also very soothing.

There is no radio or TV news sound in morning for us, we still eat toast or quick breakfast choices sometimes, but leisurely. Now, I am not saying, our every morning is perfect, some days kids are sick or cranky and some days we are so sleep deprived from previous night wakings that we become cranky :-) but despite all of these issues, mornings are much less hurried compared to when we both worked. When we have to go to preschool or work, Zenguy and I work as a team to get kids ready and fed. Zenguy is very sweet, some days he lets me catch some sleep in morning while watching both kids.

Our mornings are not sexy but they are lot satisfying and less hurried now. Best thing about it is, waking up to kids cooing (or crying) is lot better than alarm beep's harsh noise.

How is your morning routine? What works for you? I understand our situation is different, as I am staying home with kids and Zenguy has somewhat flexible work hours. I understand this routine may not work for everyone, but even if you are working, with no kids, you can try waking without an alarm or other harsh noises. For starter, try waking up one of the weekend day without alarm; just night before you lay your head on a pillow, wish or say time you would like to wake up next day and imagine yourself doing it. It has worked for me 98% time, without alarm, that is not bad, right?

When you wake up naturally, morning and day tend to go much smoother in my opinion. Try it, let me know how it worked for you.

Zengirl

Healing the hurting heart

Life is funny in a way, as we do get most hurt by people closet to our heart, and not by someone whom we barely know. People close to us, be it close friend, sibling, cousins, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, parents, can hurt us emotionally, sometimes with words and sometimes worse. We are going to talk about hurt by words, a emotional hurt here.

How to heal, when you are hurting and move on, when it is hard and you do not want to? I wrote a post not too long ago about being Have you gotten hurt , it was and is very hard for me to deal with.

We can not prevent of getting hurt by other person, as it would be impossible unless we lived alone in woods. But we can steps to minimize the pain and move forward. How so? Let's explore.

1. Write down in journal or write a letter to them (Do not mail it, or give it to them, just write it for your eyes only) Write everything down you feel. Talk your feelings to someone else who will understand and not judge you. If you can not find/trust anyone to listen, that is okay, you can talk to a stuffed toy or picture of your friend and let it know how you are hurt and how it is making you feel in details.

2. Once your initial anger/frustration is out, you can try talking to a person who hurt you in person. Make sure, timing is good for both of you and there are no other distractions. When you talk, keep flow and mind open. Do not accuse or attack person but talk about situation in focus. Once you talk, listen to other person's explanations. It simply could be that person, never realized that he/she was hurting you.

3. Once you talked your feelings out, see how genuine other person's feelings are. If they are truly in dark or truly sorry, you can forgive and be friends with them slowly.

4. Sometimes, most of us are not so lucky, and other person may not feel they have done anything wrong and they accuse you instead. Try to remain calm but firm in your beliefs. Sometimes, you may have to walk out on that relationship for short term or permanently, if you think it will not work out.

When relationship ends, it hurts a lot, specially, if you have invested so much of your time and efforts and your kids and their kids life have intermingled. Make a choice and stick to it, as it is not easy to do. Remember, your pride and dignity is important too, once you let someone walk all over you, they may do it again. Truly forgive them but you can choose not remain friends.

5. Forgive yourself for your feelings, it is okay to cry (yes, for guys too) but do not blame your self ,if relationship does not survive. One can not clap with one hand, you will need both parties willing to work out situation.

6. Friendships and relationship with people are complex as human emotions are complex. All of us want to be liked but sometimes, we can not please everyone. Do what you feel right for you and follow your gut feelings. Do not stop making new friends because old one hurt you. Sometimes taking a risk will benefit with new friendship that will be better suited for you.

No matter what happens, try to be open minded and calm and try to resolve situation first. If you have hurt someone by mistake, tell your apology from heart, if you think you were not wrong, explain your situation and tell them you never meant to hurt them. All of us like to keep relationship intact but when it is not possible, move on without feeling guilty or blaming yourself.

Life teaches us new things and sometimes we became a better person because of it.

Do you have a story to share? Good or not so good ending? How would you handle your hurt emotions?

Zengirl

Have you gotten hurt?

I am out of balance, out of harmony right now and it is not good feeling at all. I have failed.

It has been a long road for me, to let go and forgive certain aspects in my life. A while ago, I was able to forgive, a group of close friends that hurt me emotionally, while I was pregnant with P, my 5 month old. It was not easy but I felt lot better inside, when I finally did forgave them. Or I thought, I did.

Now months later, an email from one of them have opened the old wound again. I did not think, it would hurt since I believed, I have moved on from that petty issue. It sure hurts. Now I wonder, did I really forgave the first time? If I truly did, shouldn't I be more calm and cool? I am not sure of answers yet.

While, I am working on finding an answers and my balance again, I thought of leaving you all with a few quotes by a few wise people, on the subject to ponder over.

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
Mahatma Gandhi

“Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.”
Joan Lunden

"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”
Lewis B. Smedes

“We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.”
Seneca

“The folks you help won't remember it and the folks you hurt won't ever forget it.”
Bill Clayton

“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.”
Dalai Lama

“If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances”
Julia Soul

“When you can't remember why you're hurt, that's when you're healed.”
Jane Fonda

“Pain in the present is experienced as hurt, pain in the past is remembered as anger.”
Gaelic Proverb

Did you ever wonder why the one closest you, can hurt you the most? Have you been hurt by friend, lor oved ones? How do you pick yourself up again? What suggestions would you give?

Zengirl